Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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