Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
