Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
