I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize