i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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