I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
