i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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