I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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