I faked an abortion last night.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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