I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
