come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
