The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
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