I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
