Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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