He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
