I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
