I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
