I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
