the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
