i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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