Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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