my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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