I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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