Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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