I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
