he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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