If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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