Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
