sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
