I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
