last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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