things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
