I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
honey bunches of taint.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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