her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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