We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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