it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
