she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My vagina is officially offended.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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