Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
