I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I smell like Dick and happiness
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
