there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
