You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
