dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
