Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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