What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
