i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
