just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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