did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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