That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
