Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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