my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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