Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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