I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
