sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize