You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
