ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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