absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
