Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
