Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize